Listen with your whole body. Curious about what it tells us, how we can use it to make meaning, and cultivate Relational Intelligence.
Afterimage 12: A Simple Feast, From the Sadness of Others
What I Saw: A Simple Feast
When I woke up this morning, news from the US was waiting for me. While excruciatingly devastating for women’s rights everywhere, the truth is the world hasn’t changed since yesterday. The only change is a measurable, fact-checkable confirmation of the state of affairs. The facts tell us about the wave of what’s to come and to be vocal if we aren’t already.
Roe v Wade sat in the room with me. I needed to ground. I decided to take care of myself the way I would a good friend. So I took her (myself) out for a sensory feast: lunch and a scenic drive through farmland. I chose a restaurant where a friend helps to prep in the kitchen. I didn’t know what was in store for me except a fabled curry. I hadn’t expected so much beauty.
I left feeling nourished by the bright, thoughtful food. The kindness of the owners. The beauty of the fields surrounding the restaurant. The warm sunlight in lace-like patterns through the birch leaves. And a conversation with a five-year-old girl whose parents are activist farmers. She showed me a stone the shape of a sausage, and her mother, a baker, sent me home with some leftover scones she brought to sell at the farmer’s market.
A Message from my Body: From the Sadness of Others
Mid-text with a friend, my body had déjà vu. She wanted to know how I got through my divorce. Her sadness reminded me of my mom grieving longer and harder about my first divorce than I did. It made my body want to shake the memory off.
While my friend’s sadness about her brother’s divorce was different from my mom’s for mine, it made me reflect on my experience. Here are three things I struggled with, and what helped to turn it around:
1. Feeling Sad/Bad for Me
The struggle: Your sadness.
“Mom, feeling sad for me in the middle of a hard divorce doesn’t help me. What if your sadness is a projection of your fears around your marriage? You’re 100% entitled to feel it and process it, but please don’t do it through me and my divorce.” I still dream of saying it.
What helped: Stay present with me.
“Thanks for telling me what you recognize/celebrate/admire about me today or what I’m doing differently now. When everything feels like it’s falling apart and I’m in extreme physical, emotional, and mental exhaustion, hearing the positive helps me get through the day.”
2. Asking Me What I Need
The struggle: The Fog.
“In these early or messy days when I still can’t pick myself up off the floor? I can’t even form words through my grief, much less tell you what I want for dinner.”
What helped: Multiple choice.
“If I’m still in the early days of being in a dark place, please don’t ask me what I want. Asking is essential– for regular times. I’ll eventually get there. In the meantime, could we start with multiple choice questions? I can’t do essay format right now. “
“Can I drop off/order food?”
“Can I take the kids out on Saturday afternoon?”
“Want to go for a walk?”
It’s much easier to say “OMG, yes!” or “No thanks!” to these offers than to tell you what I want. From scratch. My body and brain are reeling. Simplifying is medicine for me now.
3. Advice from the Person in a Relationship
The struggle: Advice from someone in a relationship
“I know you love me. I just don’t have the capacity to receive advice from someone in a relationship right now. I might also feel weirdly ashamed of my divorce when you’re coupled/committed/married.”
What helped: The happily divorced people in your life
“Do you know a great divorced person, a few steps ahead of me? Or a group that’s been helpful for your other divorced friend? Connect me to your divorced people. Not for dating, but for practical advice, to hear how they coped, and to see one shape of the future. The dating will come later!”
Not all divorcing/divorced people want the same thing while they're going through it. It's highly subjective and extremely personal. The best gift you might have to offer might be your ears. Listen. Tell your divorcing person what a great job they're doing, even if all they're doing is waking up and brushing their teeth—no matter what time it is.
I’m going through my second divorce. It’s very different this time. It doesn’t get easier, but the focus isn’t about shame or identifying with failure.
It’s about stepping into the future I want for myself.
I'm Akiko Mega.
Listen with your whole body. Curious about what it tells us, how we can use it to make meaning, and cultivate Relational Intelligence.
No 58 Being present is the unique gift of being alive. This newsletter explores small ways to cultivate more presence. Whenever an experience stands out, leave it alone awhile. Sometime later, replay the scene. Observe the past scene, what do you see? Observe what your body sensed then, and feels now. I call this processing of a past event an Afterimage. ::: The name for this newsletter first came to me in Japanese: 残像, zanzō— meaning, “leftover image”. It’s distinct. I like the sound. When I...
No 57 Being present is the unique gift of being alive. This newsletter is an exploration of small ways to cultivate more presence. Welcome to installment 57 of Afterimage. Whenever a recent experience stands out, I leave it alone for awhile before revisiting it. I replay the scene in my mind’s eye, then observe both the scene and me— what my body felt then, and what it feels now watching. I call this processing of a past event an Afterimage. After I see and feel the Afterimage, I invite my...
no 56 Being present is the unique gift of being alive. This newsletter is an exploration of small ways to cultivate more presence. Welcome to installment 56 of Afterimage. When a recent experience stands out I leave it awhile, then revisit it: I replay the scene in my mind’s eye, and watch. I observe my body and how it responds to the scene in the present moment. I call this image and felt sense of a past event, the Afterimage. After I have a good look at the Afterimage, I invite my mind to...