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no 35

Have you accidentally looked into the sun or bright light and then looked away, the image burned into your eyelids? That’s an afterimage.

I’m in a state of flux. Who isn’t, though?

Here's what I saw, heard, or sensed that’s stayed with me in the past week. Let’s begin.

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What I saw: Vastness, Fullness, Emptiness

The house where I’m spending the holidays looks out onto a field. On sunny days, some mountains I’ve yet to learn the name of. The view gave me the very feeling I’ve been craving.

Emptyness. Vastness.

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Seeing the sky and horizon in an almost monochrome makes me believe there’s nothing in front of me.

And yet, I know there is Fullness. Cubic tons of snow. So much vegetation and earth beneath. I’m reminded over and over again: once I’m able to clear my view, I can start to see.
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I can see the beginning of something new.

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Memory from My Body: Tidying

I appreciate regular tidying, it’s almost a compulsion. Over the years, cleaning up has become the endcap to any action. This way, tidying up doesn’t have to exist on its own as a dreaded (and procrastinatable) task. My parents tried to get me to do it growing up but without much success. It wasn’t until my mid-twenties that I got it.

My daughter’s father made me see the genius of clean-as-you-go. He once worked in a Michelin-starred restaurant in the Alps. Courting me, he was constantly moving towards creating a delicious meal and kept the kitchen spotless in the process. By the time we were seated, there was only food, wine, and each other to focus on. That was pretty compelling.

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Correlation with My Body: The Oo-soji

When this installment of Afterimage reaches you, houses all over Japan will be in the last throws of the Oo-soji, or the Great Cleanup. Instead of spring cleaning, we purge, tidy, and clear our homes before the arrival of the new year. While we aren’t explicit about it, there is a sense of letting things go, sorting what’s no longer or still useful, and clearing space for new, good things to come.

I’ve had a few Oo-soji throughout the year:

• After breaking up, I packed and sent my former partner’s belongings onward to their rightful home (his).
• I gave myself over to the care of my osteopath, my acupuncturist, and my therapist to reset my nervous system in the aftermath of an accident in a rip tide.
• I said goodbye to the big old mountain house I’d chosen to base myself while testing out snow country as a potential place to live in the long(ish) term.
• I found a newer, cozier, smaller home. It’s on another mountain closer to the city. It helped me to close a nomadic chapter of my life and ease and ground into a more settled one.
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Going from nothing to something, making it grow and allowing it to transform: it’s Nature’s imperative. It makes me think of monasteries and meditation halls. They’re spaces designed to help us empty the noise from our head, heart, and body until there’s nothing but stillness, offering us the possibility to stumble upon a window to connect to a sacred secret still unbeknownst to us. Or maybe even something close to the Divine.

For me, any Oo-soji or purge- is both physical and emotional, and spiritual, too. It’s giving me an opportunity to create a sanctuary inside of my home, and inside of me. When the space around me is clear, I am spacious inside.
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Thank You.

Thank you for following me on Afterimage this year. I started it as a way to connect with you over the weekend when time might be more spacious for all of us to pause and reflect on the week, before we throw ourselves back into the week.

Given there’s always so much to consume, always something that’s asking for your attention in your inbox, I’m wondering what feels good and gentle, “right-sized” for you and for me: short/sweet, and weekly? Longer and more spaced out? More essays, less newsletters? I’ll meditate on what feels right for me. Tell me what feels good for you.

I’ll be taking a break to celebrate my birthday and to reflect on the coming year, including how I want to share Afterimage going forward! I will be back after January 15th.

Before I go, I have a couple of birthday wishes!

The first is: could you tell me something personal about Afterimage- did something resonate? Was it useful? Did it make you think or feel something? It will help me connect better to you and to what I share.

The second is, if you know someone who might enjoy Afterimage, please introduce and share it with them. I'd love to have more people in our midst.

Some of you are traveling, and some are staying put. Wherever you are, I’m wishing you a safe, restful, and connective crossover from one year into the next.

Thanks again for helping to make this a memorable year of writing!

May this new year bring all good things for all of us,

Akikox

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