no 4

​

Welcome. Have you accidentally looked into the sun or bright light, and then looked away, the image burned into your eyelids? That’s an afterimage.

In the last installment of Afterimage, I reflected on two relationships. First, the relationship between cravings and learning, and a story about flowers: the relationship between resilience and connection.

This week, I answer some of your questions from last week about polyamory for two, in a section called Read. I’ll share how an old Afterimage from a book and other readings help me to gain clarity and respite from the stress of some complex relationships.

I hope this postcard can connect us, from where I am, to where you are. A start of a conversation. Let’s start.

---

Seen: The Mountains as Calendars

​No matter what direction I’m facing, I’m surrounded by mountains, constantly reminded of where we are in the year. I’m slowly learning to read textures and hues on the mountains as if they’re numbers on a calendar. How much vegetation is there, or snow?

Here, there are six months of snow in a year. This gives life cadence. It shapes people and how we live. The thrill and deep joy people have for crazy fast drives on dry roads, after months of safe driving during snow season. The rigor we have for preparation. There seems to be a part of the mind that’s perpetually focused months ahead, the radar on, scanning for snow and stillness. Or storms and avalanche.

---

Felt Sense｜Messages from My Body: (False) Connection

I’m in the middle of what I hope is the swift end of a long breakup. The longer the breakup is drawn out, the longer the nervous system is exposed to a state of uncertainty. With so much stimulation to my brain, I know it’s working in overdrive to do its job- to create and make meaning from the uncertainty. The brain is a brilliant meaning-making tool, but it often creates false meaning: stories that aren’t necessarily true.

I find these stories extremely taxing and stressful.

Cultivating mindfulness and actually using the tools I offer my coaching clients reduces fake-meaning-making and the stress it creates. But it never really goes away. Not entirely. I detox from the residual stress by creating dedicated time and intentional space to notice what my body senses, what my brain processes, and acknowledge the information the body and mind each carry, respectively. The process of separating the information the body and the mind each carry helps to disconnect some of the false connections my brain has made, and to undo the energy-sucking stories it’s created.

What I’ve noticed in my body this week:

Felt sense 1: Cool water

Coolness in my body. Maybe it’s sadness.

(I tell myself “Go back to sensing, Body. Mind, please hold until the body finishes its exercise. Thank you.” Mind nods and obliges. )

I feel coolness. It sits still like a pool of cool water, collecting in the shallow of my breastbone, and in the dips of my collarbone. I slowly lower myself into the cool water. I let myself steep for a moment. I feel a sharp difference in temperature between me and the water. I can make out where my heart is, in contrast to the coolness. I notice two cracks. Along the cracks, I notice warmth leaking out of me, and the cool seeping in. I glance at the track playing in the car now. Awakened Heart.

I invite my mind back in.

I asked, “What do you want to say, Mind? Do you have a message for me?”

She replied, “Maybe it’s sadness. I used to think of the heart awakening in moments of connection. Whether it’s with a partner, a baby, Nature, something moving I’m witnessing. I notice the heart awakens in a really big way, during loss.”​
​

Felt sense 2: Difficult Conversations

Tightening in the center of my chest. My vision narrowing. The edges are dark, like a photo filter. My breath is shallow. I can feel myself sneak out of my body and out of the conversation, and out of the room.

I invite my Emotional Self in, to comment. Simple. She’s scared. She doesn’t want to be here.

Then, my Mind. It’s been unusually quiet, waiting its turn. “These are usually cues to pay attention to my behavior. How are these cues read by the person you’re with? Is it what you’re wanting to communicate? If it isn’t, you’ve got to come out of Houdini mode, get back here, and name it. Fear and all. ”

Inspired by the Quad Check meditation, from the Hoffman Institute.

---

Last week, I promised a breakdown on polyamory for two. Here we are.

Read: On Polyamory

One of my favorite personal development books is a relationship book with a sensational title: The Ethical Slut. It’s a well-known and well-loved primer for anyone who’s curious about polyamory. I’ve adopted it as my practice guide for showing up with integrity. A goodreads review captures the essence of the book:

“This book should've been called ‘How To Be a Human Being’ .”

Despite its shocking and salacious title, subtitles you’ll see as you flip through the book include “Owning your emotions”, “Boundaries”, and “Starvation Economy”. Inspired by The Ethical Slut, poly reddits, and other reading, I’ve settled on four rules for integrity in relationships. Each one requires a certain level of reckoning with the self:

1. Radical honesty, with permission and safety
2. Clear and clean communication
3. Kindness and respect to everyone involved
4. Respecting every person’s time

Added to this, maybe a fifth: ownership.

Relationships are complex by nature. The complexity is compounded as more people are involved. The relationship I have with myself is the most complex to deal with and precedes relationship with others.

Water seeks its own level. If I’m not honest with myself, I’m not kind, if I don’t respect my own time, then how can I expect to find or receive this from anyone else?

I suddenly realized at any given time, I’m actually already in a relationship. When I enter a new relationship, I’m actually opening up my primary relationship to a third partner. When we decided to be together, my soon-to-be-ex-partner didn’t know he was entering into a polyamorous triad. (To be fair, neither did I.) It’s a mess because I haven’t established a solid agreement with my primary partner: myself.

Then. I realised. We’re actually in a quad.

• There’s me. Love.
• There’s him. Growth.
• My shadow. Fear and Scarcity.
• His shadow. The Need to Fix and be Right.(He trained as an engineer.)

No wonder it’s so complicated! If I want to allow for a different conversation than the tense and contentious one we’re having, I need to remember one thing. I need to remember I can choose to respond with the loving/responsive self, instead of the fearful/reactive self. Choosing to stay in the loving, responsive self allows me to focus on honesty, kindness, and respect the conflict. I can stay curious in the conversation, instead of detaching, retreating, reacting, and separating from it. It’s a setup for the best possible outcome, regardless of how my partner chooses to show up.

In certain circles, there’s an idea that monogamy is an advanced practice: once we master the practice with many partners, then we can focus on one.

My current thinking? Monogamy with another human being is an advanced practice. I’m going to work on and practice the art of relationship with my primary partner – myself. Then, maybe I’ll give monogamy with another human a go.

Here's a question for you: What might be a radically honest conversation you’d like to have with yourself?

What will you need to make it happen? How might that change the conversation with the people closest to you? Or the way you move through the world?

---

Your thoughts fuel mine.

Tell me what you're thinking about. Dreaming about. And what exactly you're doing about the thing you've been dreaming about.

Capture some images. Savor afterimages.

Have a great weekend.

Akiko

​

​

Thanks for reading!

Subscribe to visit the conversation every week.