no 8

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Welcome. Have you accidentally looked into the sun or bright light, and then looked away, the image burned into your eyelids? That’s an afterimage.

In the last installment of Afterimage, I shared about Sacred Boundaries and my Decade of Truth. Here's what I saw, heard, and sensed that have stayed with me this past week. I hope this postcard can connect us, from where I am, to where you are. A start of a conversation. Let’s begin.

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Messages from My Body / Felt Sense: More than meets the eye

Two sleeps. Lying in bed, eyes closed, in the same body position. Sleep can be an act of care, kindness, and of accepting myself. It’s also a refuge. A fake refuge from the grittiness of responsibilities. A memory that revisted me, from a conversation on sleep I had this Thursday:

Deep Sleep: Turning Toward

Was it Covid again? Any kind of movement felt obtuse and required massive effort, like trying to run underwater. Exhausted from fatigue and its thick weight, I slept. And slept. And continued sleeping. I slept through meals. I slept through alarms. I emerged eighteen hours later. I decided to rest some more.

Sleep was no longer a privilege or luxury. I decided not to deprive myself of it anymore. Running on empty would keep me sick. Why do I treat myself this way? If this had been my daughter, I would have kept her home from school. It was time to turn toward myself and be gentle.

Reluctantly, I agreed to rest. I gave myself permission to practice the ultimate form of self care: sleep without an alarm. No judgment. It eventually restored me.

Tossing and turning: Turning Away

During sleep and recovery, I accumulated strength. And messages in my inbox. Work piled up. It was gnawing at me. Ugh. I have to sleep. I have to rest. I rolled over to continue sleeping where I’d left off. But something felt off.

Eyes still open, I gave myself a scan. I scanned my body. My mind. My emotional self. I asked Do I still need rest? Be honest. The answer was no. Curious, I asked another question.

Why do I want to sleep then? What will more sleep give me?

I felt my stomach sink, the weight of a bowling ball pressing in on my insides. I wasn’t going back to sleep because I’m in need of more rest. I’m trying to go back to sleep because I’m afraid and want to hide. I got up. I knew I was in avoidance.
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More Than Meets the Eye

If I were to capture both instances of sleep on film, they would look the same. They couldn’t have been more different in intention, though. Sleep is deceptive. Sleep isn’t an action. It’s a barometer for my physical and mental wellbeing.

Intention drives everything.
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Conversation: Meaning making

I’m adding a new section to the newsletter: Conversation. If you write me, I’ll respond, either directly into your inbox, or here, in Afterimage.

The chakra decades I shared last week is a personal exercise. It’s just me making sense of growing older. It’s like gauging where I am on Google maps. It’s a personal system of meaning making, and has nothing to do with real and ancient systems of yogic numerology, where there are cycles of seven, eleven, and eighteen years.

Cycles of Consciousness: 7 years

Cycles of Intelligence: 11 years

Cycles Life Energy: 18 years.

In this system, 49 excites me. I enter into a new cycle of Consciousness. But I digress. The system I’ve mapped out for myself is based on the Chakras, or what can be thought of as energy hubs in the body. The Chakras are:
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1 Connection, Root, Family... at the base of the spine

2 Desire, Creativity, Sensuality, Sexuality... in the sex organs

3 Willpower, Courage, Drive... in the solar plexus

4 Love... in the heart center

5 Truth... in the throat

6 Intuition... between the brows, the "third eye"

7 Integration... our crown
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From birth to 10 are formative years. We are born into families. Our foundations are built here. We form connection with our caretakers and our families, and the values we are given.

I agree, Dear Reader, the 20s is a time for exploration! It’s time to explore creativity. This is the decade we discover creativity and expression. In a literal sense, sex and its energy have massive potential to create: it can create new life. In other ways, we create and take pleasure in expressing who we are, away from our families, coming into our own. We create our own life, away from our families of origin. It's the beginning of the journey.

This leads us into our 30s, taking the creative energy from our 20s and channeling it into generating and activating, manifesting: moving into action. This is a decade of building, of realizing. It’s time to take new and brave steps toward what we aspire to, and make them our own. Yes, a decade of Expansion.

Then, our 40s, where I am: the decade of Love. We experience new love, deepen others, and other times, it's love lost. In the end, though, it's love that comes back to ourselves, a deepening of love and appreciation for who we are.

We take Love into our 50s, our decade of Truth.

I’d like to imagine the sixth decade as one with little need to over explain or prove. A decade that allows me to capture connections between what can and can’t be seen or heard. Seeing from a different place.

I imagine and hope the 7th decade as a culmination. A time I'm able to acknowledge where I came from, to know I've emerged from it with creativity. Drawing from dreams as a blueprint, bringing courage and willpower to bring it into existence, nurturing it with Love. Learning to speak what’s True. Seeing things from a different place. Bringing it all together.

So what would I tell you? Someone your age? I guess I’d tell you what I’d tell myself: allow yourself the full experience. Give yourself permission. Give yourself resources-- time, energy, money- to go deep into desire, to know what it feels like, what it inspires. How does it rouse your curiosity? Record in your body what it feels like to deeply want something. Learn what being creative and expressive looks like, for you. It will look and be different for someone else. Experiment. Explore. You’ll carry the knowledge of desire with you as you go forward. It will help you when you build, and when it’s time to love. When it’s time to put a stake in the ground.

Life energy is inevitable, unavoidable. They help your life unfold. The unfolding might not be linear and not always pleasant, but let yourself visit and be visited by all of the energies. Enjoy the experience of desire now. Do it while you’re relatively free of responsibilities. If you are responsible only for yourself, now is the time.

Getting to know desire. Fully embracing it. It’s a great seed for satisfaction and fulfillment.

A question for you: what decade are you in, and what do you see on your map?

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Your thoughts fuel mine.

Tell me what you're thinking about. Dreaming about. And what exactly you're doing about the thing you've been dreaming about.

Capture some images. Savor afterimages.

Have a great weekend.

Akiko

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Thanks for reading!

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